


Psychotic Chemistry (Kai Parker)

by JustMattie



Category: The Vampire Diaries, kai parker - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 10:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7099231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustMattie/pseuds/JustMattie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I keep having this dream. I wake up, like every other day, but I'm not alone. There's somebody with me. I can't see their face, and I don't have any idea who they are. There's something different about their presence, though. Something blatantly different than me. And I can't tell if this really is a dream, or a premonition." </p>
<p>~~~~~<br/>A "The Vampire Diaries" Fan Fiction by JustMattie.</p>
<p>I do not own these characters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Psychotic Chemistry (Kai Parker)

Dear Journal, 

It's kind of funny how I've been addressing you as if you actually have a conscious. You, Journal, are an inanimate object that can't actually do anything, or think anything about me at all. Which is part of the reason why I've decided to start  writing to you. You won't judge me for my  sadistic ways, and you don't have the capability to get  up, walk away, and leave  me.  While my mental health has never concerned me before, it's been weighing on me lately. You see, Journal, I've been alone for a very long time. I talk to myself every single day, just so that I don't forget how to speak. I make up imaginary situations in my mind, just so I can make up imaginary diabolical plans to go with them. 

I suppose my biggest concern is that while I'm trapped here, my brilliant mind will be come dull and idle, hence this journal. So, from here on out, I'll be writing to You at least once a day in order to keep my mind more active. I'll share my long, extensive, thoughts with you, my diabolical plans, my rants that occur while I'm in a common state of rage, and whatever else may come into play. Today, however, I'd like to discuss something new that I've been experiencing.  

As the control-obsessed being that I am, I don't appreciate feeling that my control over anything is waning. I hate to admit this, even to you, Journal, but I must be honest with somebody in order to accept these new feelings, and logically deal with them. 

I've been feeling scared and lonely. 

I hate saying that! I am Kai Parker! I am not supposed to feel anything of this sort! But I can no longer deny the emotions that reside within me.

The longer I'm stuck here, the more scared I become. If nobody else ever accidentally finds their way here, I'll never be able to leave. 

Anyway, I've been vulnerable enough today, and it's starting to make me feel like I'm going to throw up...

How about I just fill you in on what I've been up to lately?

I'm currently staying at 479 Elwood Drive in Mystic Falls, Virginia. I came across this blip of a town while in the middle of another psychotic break down. I was frantically searching through maps and atlases, desperate to find a place that at least appeared like it might have some connection to magic. Oh, how I have yearned to absorb that sweet electricity up into my bones. 

Despite the name "Mystic Falls", however, this place seems rather ordinary. At first I was outraged (shocker, right) and I burned down a house just so I would have something to channel my rage into.

Side note, I really miss being able to take my anger out on other people. 

Anyway, I've searched nearly every square inch of this God-Forsaken town, and I have found absolutely no leads. However, I did come across a strange cellar around the Lockewood Estate that contained strange remains of old chains. I'm not even sure I want to know why they're there. 

I'll probably pack up and head back to Portland first thing tomorrow, considering there's nothing left for me here. I do not know what is store for me next. 

That's all for today, I'm tired of being vulnerable with my emotions. 

Not so much with love because I don't think I'm capable of feeling that, 

~Kai

I drop the ink pen in satisfaction, and push back from the table. Smirking to myself, I get up and go over to the kitchen, grabbing a bag of pork rings out of the cabinet. I lean against the fridge, indulging in my favorite snack-time delicacy. Despite all of the annoyances and frustrations that come with being stuck in a time loop, I am grateful for the practically unlimited amount of pork rinds that reside on this planet. 

 

After checking my watch, I fold the pork rinds back up, and shove them back into the cupboard. It's half-past eleven in the morning now, and I want to sit out on the porch and watch the eclipse. 

I walk outside and sit myself down in one of the rocking chairs, and I can't help but rock back and forth, twiddling my thumbs. 

The eclipse comes and goes like it does every single day, and I sigh, gathering myself and going back inside. 

I spend the rest of the day exploring 479 Elwood Drive, and packing things that I might find useful on the road. 

When it's finally night again, I pick a room, and reluctantly settle down. I slide underneath the covers in a room that I assume was once a master bedroom, and force my eyes shut. 

This has become the worst time of the day for me. While everything is nearly always quiet, something about the nighttime makes it a little bit worse. 

I talk to myself for a while, until my words become slurred and my eyes are forcing themselves closed. Slowly, but surely, I slip into a cold and comfortable oblivion. 

                                                                                                     |||||

Dear Journal, 

It's currently three o'clock in the morning, and I have just awoken from the dream, yet again. Something about this dream is disturbing me to my core, even though it's overall mood isn't anywhere near ominous. I know that sleep has probably left me for the night, so I'll describe my dream to you. 

It starts with light seeping through my eyelids, and I am awoken from a deep sleep. I'm confused, and disoriented at first. I'm outside, in a place that I don't recognize. It's a green forest, and to my left, there is a stone hut. It's purpose is not something I have any recollection of. 

I see a shadow of something, but deep down I realize that it's actually a someone. The bright light calms itself slightly, and a more comfortable presence consumes the disorientation. 

The shadow is moving, and all howling the wind previously contained is then silenced. For the first time in a long time, I feel a strange, calming sense of tranquility wash over me. I am free of all thoughts in that moment. I feel at ease. But then, the shadow disappears, and the peace is gone. My fear and anger quickly rush back in, and I am drowned by the weight of them. This point where I will jolt awake from the dream. 

It's so unsettling to me, and while I've been writing this, I think I may have uncovered at least part of the reason why. 

While I do not believe I've ever experienced love or strong attachment, I can logically understand how losing something or someone that made you feel a special type of way could majorly affect an individual. The thing about this dream is, once I finally achieve that sense of wholeness, it is quickly ripped away from me, and I feel lost again. 

The fact that this dream is persistently reoccurring makes the entire situation worse. I just have this gut feeling that it's only a matter of time before this vision turns into something more. No, Journal, I'm not implying that I think the dream will become a legitimate reality, but I definitely think it's a sign of something important. What that "something" is, well I'm not quite sure yet. But, I literally have nothing better to do than to try to figure it out. 

I'm feeling strangely exhausted.

More tomorrow, 

~Kai

**Author's Note:**

> Instagram: @justmattie  
> YouTube: JustMattie


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